Assistance needed! Our DEI trainer keeps excessively discussing topics related to kink.

Dear Emily,

Working with my colleagues who identify as heterosexual cisgender individuals has generally been pleasant. However, there’s a recurring issue in our office, particularly among some of my older coworkers, where they consistently misgender younger colleagues who use they/them pronouns. When corrected, they often react defensively, leading to hurt feelings and, unfortunately, some trans coworkers leaving the organization. Recognizing the need for outside assistance, myself and other trans staff members advocated for cultural competency training, specifically focusing on pronoun usage. After much effort, we finally secured approval for the training, albeit with some challenges.

The chosen trainer, while possessing a diverse background including being transgender, primarily identifies with the “kink” community. While I fully support individuals finding fulfillment in their sexuality, the emphasis on kink during what was intended to be a basic training on gender identity has been unexpected and somewhat uncomfortable. We requested an intersectional perspective, but it seems the intersection chosen wasn’t what we had in mind.

For instance, when addressing questions about responding to misgendering, the trainer’s advice sometimes includes scenarios where misgendering might be acceptable within sexual contexts. This approach wasn’t what we anticipated or needed in a professional setting. Colleagues who knew I advocated for the training have reached out to me privately, expressing confusion and discomfort with the focus on kink. Their messages range from questioning the relevance of kink as an identity to feeling completely lost in the training. I share their sentiments and find myself increasingly frustrated, especially considering the time and effort invested in pushing for this initiative, which was supposed to simplify our work lives.

As a transgender person, I’m acutely aware of the tendency to hyper-sexualize individuals like myself. Therefore, it’s crucial to be mindful of the associations being made in our workplace. Personally, I’m uncomfortable with the idea of colleagues envisioning me in sexualized contexts simply because I include my pronouns in my email signature. This unintended consequence of the training is something I’d prefer to avoid. Additionally, if I were in the trainer’s position, I would appreciate constructive feedback to improve future sessions and uphold my professional reputation.

So, how should I proceed? Should I discreetly address my concerns during the next training session, making it clear that discussions about personal kinks aren’t necessary? Or should I escalate the issue to the same management team who approved the training initially? It’s a delicate situation, and I want to ensure my feedback is respectful and constructive without being perceived as shaming someone for their sexual preferences. Perhaps there’s a lesson here about the risks of speaking up at work, but I’m hesitant to accept that without attempting to resolve the issue first.

Sincerely,
Mx. Vanilla

Dear Mx. Vanilla,

I want to start by saying that I firmly believe work should be a place where discussions of anything sexual are completely off-limits. Bringing even a hint of sexiness into the workplace can lead to serious problems. I learned this lesson the hard way in my 20s when I got involved in an affair with a coworker. The aftermath was toxic, dragging down everyone around us. Looking back, I realize how foolish it was to mix personal matters with professional ones. Now, with more experience, I understand that the workplace should be as sterile and devoid of sexual undertones as an airport Starbucks. Discussing kink in mandatory training is simply not appropriate.

Reading about the DEI trainer’s inclusion of their kinky preferences in a basic training on gender identity made me cringe. This behavior was wholly inappropriate. There’s no reason to bring up personal kinks or misgendering as part of sexual play in a DEI training unless it directly relates to employees’ professional responsibilities. Based on your description, I doubt your workplace doubles as a sex-toy testing lab.

While you can’t erase any harm that may have been done, I have some suggestions for preventing similar situations in the future. I consulted with my organization’s head of DEI, who shared a recent experience where a training session didn’t go as planned. Afterward, he sent a letter to the attendees, acknowledging the misalignment with our company’s values and the inappropriate stereotypes used by the trainer. He also highlighted any valuable lessons from the session. This approach, honest and thoughtful, could serve as a model for addressing your situation.

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However, I believe your organization needs more than just occasional outside consultants. Considering the loss of employees due to insensitivity toward trans individuals, hiring a dedicated in-house DEI manager seems essential. Rather than approaching the bosses who approved the training and criticizing its outcome, gather with others who shared your concerns. Together, request the addition of a management-level position focused solely on DEI issues. This person could vet outside trainers and oversee training sessions to ensure they align with company values. Ultimately, this investment could lead to improved employee retention and a more inclusive workplace culture.

In essence, the problem isn’t solely the trainer’s focus on kink. It’s the organization’s attempt to address deep-rooted issues with a quick fix. By advocating for a long-term, sustainable solution, you can work towards creating an office environment that is fair, inclusive, and free from any inappropriate vibes.

Best regards,